Ok here is a book I can't put down, and I have the MEN's Version...I guess there is a female version, yeah, well, I will read that after...

 

One of the things the author asks men to do is tear open their hearts to the love of God, in as unfamiliar as that may seem, to allow Jesus to just rip apart their hearts...

 

Well, we women need a good dose of that...the author talks a lot about wounding that happens, that interferes with our lives now...in the case of the guys, much comes from fathers, either saying things, or just being absent either emotionally or physically...

 

So I went into my prayer closet this afternoon after my doctor's appt...and I asked Jesus to tear apart my heart cuz I didn't know what was going on, just that my life was a mess, and please help me to deal with whatever it is that is causing me so much pain and so much hurt and depression...I asked Jesus to literally rip my heart wide open cuz I would rather hurt now and get it over with than hurt for the rest of my life...

 

Well, speaking of father's, I remember my daddy saying to me one time as someone in her early twenties "You are a failure, everything you have ever touched has been a failure...ballet, ice skating, piano, you have always failed"

That hurt deeply.  Now I can see that it was his own sense of failure that he was describing, only using me as the target, but wow, how often I recall that and base my own standards against that... "Are you going to start this project only to fail yet once again?"  or "Why do you think you are qualified?  You will only fail as always."  It's hard to get that voice out of my head.

 

But what I had buried and was brought out tonight at church, well, my daddy had this way of making sure that every holiday gathering ended with me in tears.  He picked at me and said such terrible things to me that I would end up in tears, feeling worthless.  I remember one Christmas my sister finally saying "You are never happy until Laurie is crying, are you??"  and my mum used to say that, too.

 

He got very VERY angry that his other children were taking a stand.  My brothers also agreed with my sister.  He always messed with my head on a major holiday until he got me crying, then he was satisfied.

 

Yet, when I was trying to get thru college and messed up with my own finances, he held me tightly and said he would cover the balance.  That he loved me and was proud of me.

 

When I was pregnant with Colin, the only baby he would see of mine, he told my mum I was the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth.  She told me that.  She told me he said that.

 

Can I say my daddy didn't love me?  Oh man, he loved me SOOOO much !!!  I know he did, he just had other issues that got in the way. 

 

But there is leftover hurt that I have not forgiven him for...the hurt of when he told me I was a failure...the hurt of every holiday being left in tears...I had almost forgotten that until tonight...  Any coincidence it was revealed tonight AFTER I had asked Jesus to tear open my heart?

 

So now I have some forgiving to do...not to release Daddy...to release ME.

 

I am just wondering what else Jesus is going to reveal...what other stuff have I pushed so far into me so that I don't have to feel it/deal with it, huh ?  It's kinda scary, but like I said, I would rather have it over with

than keep going on as I have been going.

 

Well, if you have a chance to read it, WILD AT HEART is amazing...I am learning a lot about my ex and also my male friends AND my sons.  Even about myself.

 

Be blessed all !!!

 

Lollie